Over the course of my life, friendship has always been important to me. Being and having a friend is one important way of acknowledging that there’s more to me than my individual existence. Following the path that leads from stranger to associate to friendship leads me to a deeper understanding of myself as well as the people and the world around me.
So what does it mean to be a friend? It’s largely about not only about spending time and being committed to another person but also a concern for their welfare, their feelings and their overall well-being. It means being available, being patient, being forgiving and sensing that another has those same priorities in terms of your relationship. These are some of the same qualities that we find in a healthy community. Does this mean that everyone in a community is a friend with everyone else who shares that space? Perhaps not always, but the degree to which this is true tells us a lot about the cohesiveness and resilience of that community.
If we wish to help our communities become the kind of places where we want to live, we need to be aware of what it takes to make them thrive and to do that which facilitates this process. When we come into a new community or we set out to initiate one we should be willing to make the commitment to engaging with others in a way that leads to deepening relationships. Jeffrey A. Hall, professor in the Department of Communications at the University of Kansas, is cited in a KU News article How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes as stating that, “… it takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple ‘friend’ status and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend.”
This, I think, can be said about communities as well, especially intentional ones. The more time we spend with people, the better we get to know them — and the better the likelihood that we will form bonds of trust and true concern about the health and happiness of those we know. There’s no guarantee, of course — there are other issues of compatibility grounded in the intentions and sensitivity of those we are associated with. But time spent together can help resolve our differences if we enter the process with a willingness to be flexible and to keep our minds open to other points of view.
If we want to get the most of our community experience we need to give it time to let the seeds of our relationships germinate and grow. It’s been my experience that it’s worth the wait.